


Maybe Tonight

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Holidays, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-29
Updated: 2005-12-29
Packaged: 2018-12-27 03:04:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin's been hurt again.  Can Brian be there for him?





	Maybe Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: This is my first ever slash fic and first foray into QaF. Comments and criticisms are welcome :) This was written for the secretsantafic community over at lj. must thank my wonderful beta (you know who you are!) Enjoy!!  


* * *

December 23, 2001 10:53 pm

Seven months. It had been seven months since that awful cracking noise Brian swore he would never forget. Seven months since Chris Hobbes decided to spread his homophobic bullshit by ruining the only perfect night that Brian could ever remember. Since he shattered both Justin’s skull and the first moment Brian had the balls to tell Justin, with his actions, an ‘I Love You’. Seven months of walking on eggshells…seven months being afraid he wasn’t enough for Justin. Seven months knowing he wasn’t good enough. 

Quietly sitting in the hospital chair residing next to Justin’s bed, Brian felt chills run up and down his spine. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. Not when they had finally reached some sort of non-defined non-conventional relationship. Not when he had finally realized the truth. It had been nearly four months since he had borrowed Deb’s hairy cojones and finally admitted to himself that he was in love. It was a dangerous concept; one that he steadfastly tried to avoid all his adult life. Who ever said parents weren’t good for anything? And yet somehow, the little twat had managed to overcome all his defenses, break down all his walls, and worm his way into Brian’s heart. Brian hated him for that. Hated him for making him feel again…hated him for making him love…but most of all, he hated him for this extreme sense of loss and sorrow he was entrenched with as he watched the slow rise and fall of his beloved’s chest as he struggled to take in breath. 

Nothing could compare to the anger that lay within Brian’s own soul. Hatred directing at himself for not being able to admit to the one person who truly matters how much love he felt towards Justin. Hated that he couldn’t mutter three lousy words. Maybe if he had said them, Justin wouldn’t be here now. Maybe if he had pushed the little kid away, he would’ve stayed safe. But he couldn’t do that. He could never refuse Justin anything and he didn’t foresee the day when that would ever happen. But what to do now? Could he be there for Justin? Really be there? Like he deserved? God knows the kid deserves a boyfriend. A real boyfriend...a partner even. But could Brian be that? Could Brian be all that Justin needed? Somehow, Brian doubted he could ever be anything to anybody. 

The steady beating of the heart monitor brought Brian back from what he was sure was a scary place. Leaning forward, he grasped the pale, lifeless hand within his own. So cold. He reminded himself to ask the nurse for another blanket. Justin hated being cold. 

Brian couldn’t help but stare at the bruised and battered face. That perfect angelic face. He didn’t deserve to get this. He should be at home. Getting reading for Christmas. Decorating a fake tree, or hanging stockers or hell, Brian would even let him decorate the loft. If he would just wake up. All Brian wanted was to see those infectious baby blues. Only one look and Brian swore he’d give Justin the best damn Christmas ever. If only…

Brian hated Christmas. Always had and probably always would. It was always fake and entirely religious-centered at his house as a kid. There was no Santa Claus. Never was. Brian learned at a very early age that you don’t ask for anything, because you weren’t getting shit. Especially not with a drinking habit and Church collections to support. There were no decorations. No carols being sung. No tree. No big family dinner. No presents. No toys. No nothing. When he was older, it wasn’t hard to ignore the entire fucking season turning tricks and getting high enough to pretend he didn’t care. Only Justin and Michael saw through this act. Michael, because he grew up with Brian and Justin because he saw a part of Brian no one else cared to find. He held a part of his heart that no one could ever claim. ‘And he used it to his advantage’ Brian chuckled to himself, remembering a conversation the two had merely a few days ago.

“Come on Brian, just a few decorations” Justin pleaded with his older lover as he followed him around the kitchen.

Reigning in a deep sigh and rolling his eyes upward Brian stated as calming as he could, “No.”

Knowing his lover was going to dig in his heels on this issue, Justin pulled out the big guns, those puppy dog eyes, “Pleeeeeease.”

Brian would be loath to admit it, but those eyes were getting more and more powerful each day. But Christmas was one thing he couldn’t budge on…too many bad memories for him. So he remained firm “No.” 

Looking back on the conversation, Brian could easily recall the crestfallen face of his younger lover and the flash of disappointment that quickly crossed his face. At this point, Brian would do just about anything to please Justin...anything that would make him get better quicker. Decorations, trees and the whole nine yards…hell he’d even let an entire hallmark store throw up in his loft if it would cause a Sunshine smile. 

The night nurse, wandering in to check on her patient, broke Brian out of his meanderings. She walked over to the bed quickly, offering the customary small smile to the patient’s family. Yet as soon as she spotted Brian hovering over Justin’s still form, her eyes lit up with recognition. Taking a close look at both the blonde boy in the bed and the dark haired man sitting next to him, she quickly recalled the devastating incident. How could anyone forget such a young boy whose head was smashed in with a bat? She had been working the night Justin was brought in. She had seen the massive trauma, and the plethora of blood loss. She could remember the look on the doctor’s face, as he worked diligently on the young man but feared the worst. The most chilling site that had been forever imprinted on her mind though was the lifeless look that had taken over Brian’s eyes as he sat in the waiting room fingering that blood covered scarf. She would never forget the immense sadness that had engulfed the older man...the tears that he had seemingly no knowledge of falling that spoke the most of his grief.

The nurse was a unique beauty whose nametag read “Zo’e.” She began taking Justin’s blood pressure and temperature as was required. As she was making the required notes in his chart, she glanced up at the dark haired man who seemed to have his hand fused together with her patient. “Hate to see him back here,” she half sighed half murmured. 

“Yeah” Brian murmured right back, never one for words.

“You two are really cute together, you know? So easy to tell how much love there is,” her tone was soft, almost reverent. She continued on, “I can still remember how you stood right outside his window every night. You may not believe it, but on those nights he was his most calm.”

Brian took in the nurse’s words biting back any type of wiseass comment. It would do him no good; he didn’t want to risk being kicked out. Besides he found himself taking a liking to the young girl. Her Australian accent was nothing if not endearing. He then turned pleading eyes towards her hoping she would understand his concern, “How’s he doing?”

One look in his eyes and Zo’e immediately noticed what he was really saying ‘Give him back!’ Still maintaining the quietness seemingly present in all hospitals, “He’s stable and his vitals are good. He’s still on heavy medication and that’s probably why he hasn’t woken up yet. But that’s a good thing; he needs his rest right now.”

Nodding along with the nurse’s statements, Brian allowed a small seedling of hope to grow that his lover would be all right. Physically at least. Mentally and emotionally was another story. Although Brian was feverishly thanking a God he swore he’d never acknowledge, the nurse continued with her thoughts on the two men. “I don’t understand why anyone would want to do this. How such homophobia is still alive. It’s only love.”

‘It’s only love’ the words repeatedly swam around in his head. 

The nurse however did not realize the impact her simple words had upon Brian and she continued on, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, straight men can be just complete assholes sometimes. And I’ve had my fair share of nutcases. I’ve turned one gay and another one into a stalker!” Her own statement caused a combination of an embarrassed chuckle paired with amusement in her tone.

Her words had the desired effect upon the melancholy man as he allowed a small smile to escape. She allowed the small peaceful moment to pass before she returned to the somber subject, “I just can’t believe the hatred. And just because you’re two men. Why do people even care? I mean I’d become a lesbian myself because it’d probably be easier but then I just remind myself that I’d have to eat pussy and I’m cured.”

Brian shuddered at the thought of eating pussy and couldn’t help himself as he suddenly channeled Vic Grassi, “It’s just cock.”

“That’s all I’m saying,” was the witty nurse’s comment as she headed towards the exit. Before leaving the room however, she turned back to offer one last bit of encouragement, “For what it’s worth, I think you two are really good together. And if you can overcome all the other bullshit, I’m sure your love will conquer this too.”

The whispered words allowed Brian to indulge in the knowledge that maybe him and Justin would make it. That once Justin woke up, he would have the courage to say those three most precious words. That he would finally allow himself to open up and let Justin heal the wounds that dug so deep. Hell, he’d even celebrate Christmas with enough flourish that even that jolly old bastard Santa couldn’t match. 

Once again being left alone with only his self-deprecating thoughts, Brian’s memories turned to previous day. To the actions which lead to his younger lover once again being placed in the hospital. ‘I’m so sick of this fuckin place’ he thought, but at least this time he was where he belonged—inside the room—instead of looking helplessly in from the outside. Although the man beside him was unconscious, the sense of rightness at being at his side did not waver. 

December 22, 2001 1:51 pm

They were out doing normal last minute Christmas shopping for all members of their extended family. Although it was very much against Brian’s nature to actually enter a mall during the fascist Christmas season, his younger lover had turned those damn puppy dog eyes on him and he had caved. And when he had gotten a Sunshine smile in return, Brian knew he wouldn’t regret his decision even with the crying babies, pushy old ladies, and hopeless straight fucks all out looking for the perfect gift. 

They had already finished Mikey and the Professor, Vic, Deb, the Munchers, Emmett and Ted (although Brian practically convulsed over such an idea). They had also picked up what Brian affectionately referred to as “girlie shit” for Daph and Molly plus far too many toys for his precious Sonny Boy. Justin had tried to dissuade Brian from spending so much money, but when he had seen the look of pure happiness it brought his lover he helped in spoiling the little boy. Only Jen remained and Brian was content to let Justin tackle that one on his own. No sense in ruining his almost-mother-in-law’s Christmas by causing a heart attack induced by getting involved and actually seeming to care. No, no…he had a reputation to protect here. Of course, he still had to find the perfect gift for Justin. And although he had an idea for that, it would require more effort than money and also to show (dare he say it) a romantic side. Hence the idea was still under deep deliberation and Brian was extremely tempted to say fuck it and buy the kid a sweater. Cashmere…or maybe Gucci. None of his Gap or American Eagle shit. 

They were finally ready to get in the jeep and make the trek back to the loft for a good fucking when Justin claimed he wanted to finish his shopping and take care of Jen right then. 

“Come on…you know it won’t be as much fun,” Brian allowed his tongue to find its way into his cheek for that perfect smirk.

A little chuckle, “no, it won’t be, but if I get it done now, there’ll be more time for fun later,” Justin flirted right back. 

But Brian was persistent. He leaned across the front seat and into Justin’s personal space. Slowly he began placing little love bites along the younger man’s throat and slowly up his jaw line until eventually engulfing, what he knew to be an extremely erogenous area, Justin’s earlobe. “Come on…you can do it later. I’ll even bring you back,” the hot words were whispered from barely a millimeter away. They hit their mark as Brian noticed the obvious shudder go through his lover’s body. He allowed a small chuckle to escape for he thought he had gotten his way. While still maintaining the constant motion of his tongue within Justin’s ear, Brian allowed his hands to move forward and capture the younger man’s straining erection against his jeans. 

“Briiiian…not here,” Justin huskily whispered. It was a losing battle and he knew it. But he had to remain firm. He wasn’t really in dire need to get his mother’s Christmas present. In fact, he already had a professional photograph of him and Molly wrapped up in a closet at the loft. No. He was on a mission to get Brian the perfect present. Although he knew it wasn’t necessary, Justin wanted to get Brian something that would show how much love and gratitude he held for the older man. He needed to give Brian both the hope and promise that this was simply the first of many holiday seasons for them together. With that thought in mind, he regretfully and painfully pulled away from the allure of Brian’s warm hands. ‘Too dangerous a place.’ He opened the door and slid out. He walked around to the driver’s side and stuck his head in the window. He leaned in far enough to give Brian one hell of a kiss. “Something to tide you over. Meet me back here in two hours. And I guarantee that tonight I’ll show you just how thankful I am,” he grinned lasciviously while slowly waggling his eyebrows. 

As Justin began his trek back to the shopping complex, Brian couldn’t help but stare at the way those jeans hugged Justin’s oh so perfect bubble butt. If he didn’t know any better, he would’ve sworn Justin wagged his ass just to tempt Brian. Well he wasn’t going to let him! No siree! Too bad no one told that to his oh so sore and hard dick as it strained against his 501s. Both blue and mournful, Brian began his drive back to the loft. ‘Might as well start on the brat’s Christmas present.’

~*~

Once Justin was satisfied with his theatrics for Brian, he began his trek back to the mall. Course, he gave Brian a little ass wiggle to keep him wanting more. Brian was such a sucker for his ass. Or cock. Or tongue. Hell, anything remotely involving sex had Brian hard and ready to go. Not that Justin was complaining. But he couldn’t let sex with Brian—even if it was hot and mind blowing—distract him from his task. He needed to find a gift for Brian…the perfect gift. 

As he passed by the numerous jewelry stores and novelty gift shops, he allowed his mind to wander to various conversations the two had concerning Christmas. It was a new topic for the two of them, and one Brian only seemed comfortable talking about while he was holding Justin (everyone knows Brian Kinney does not snuggle) anyway, it was while snuggling up with one Brian Kinney that Justin was able to hear bits and pieces of Brian’s childhood. It was only in the safety and security of the dark that Brian was able to open up to Justin. And one conversation stood out amongst the rest.

“Mmm,” Justin murmured as he found a way to further bury himself within those strong arms. They had just finished an explosive bout of sex following a 27-hour deprivation period. Justin’s orgasm had more than wiped him out and he was quite comfortable on top of his lover.

“Justin?”

“Yeah,” the whispered words speared through the quiet bedroom

“I know you really want all this Christmas shit,” 

A little sigh escaped as he interrupted, “It’s ok, Bri, really.” Justin had recognized the look of pain and longing in his lover’s eyes whenever the two had discussed family Christmases, so as much as Justin loved the holiday, he wasn’t going to push Brian. 

“I just...” he stalled, “I mean…” once again he found the words nearly impossible to get out. One more time. “Christmas was never fun at my house.” There. Blunt and to the point. The only way a Kinney knew. 

Justin recognized the need in his lover to express himself at his own pace. Justin wouldn’t push. Pushing never got you anywhere with Brian. It was so sad that none of their fucked up little family could recognize something as innate in Brian as that characteristic. And they had known him for years and years, Justin only had a fraction of that time and it seemed he was much quicker on the uptake. Just one more facet of the loneliness of Brian Kinney that tore a whole in his heart.

The silence stretched out seemingly endless in nature. Justin took the opportunity to further sink down into the warmth of comfort that was Brian which he quickly reciprocated by tightening his arms. Holding Justin made him feel safe. Made him feel happy. Most of all, it made him feel loved. And loathed as he was to admit such a thing, he craved that feeling terribly. Somehow drawing strength from Justin’s presence, Brian continued on, “When I was a kid…” he paused, “there was no Christmas. No decorations, there were no presents. Hell, I don’t think I ever believed in a Santa.” The pain so clearly evident in his voice tore at Justin’s very soul. 

“Once I moved out of the hellhole affectionately known as the Kinney house, I….” Brian took in a deep breath. He was baring his soul right here, right now, and it was scary as all hell. He didn’t know if he could do this. He didn’t know if he wanted to do this. But fuck it; he knew he needed to do this. Needed to open himself up to Justin...needed to heal the wounds. “You see, I sorta promised myself that I would never feel so stupid again.”

Justin had to interrupt at this point. He never liked how anyone could put down such a wonderful and caring man. “Brian, it wasn’t stupid. You were just a little kid and it was Christmas. Hell, you should’ve been hanging stockings and baking cookies for Santa. Not trying to survive World War III.” The words were quiet and whispered for it seemed as though an aura had surrounded the two and anything else besides quiet reverence would break it. 

Brian took the words and felt warmed by this young man’s understanding and quiet acceptance. No one, not even Mikey, could accept Brian’s memories in such a manner. “I do remember one year. You see, Joanie was having some old Church biddies over for the fundraiser that year or some shit and so she had to put up some sort of decorations. The Kinney’s were nothing if not living for appearances. So, you see, she made Jack go out one night with enough money to buy some big ass tree. Of course, we all know Jack, and he wound up wasting half of it on booze.” Both men pretended to ignore the break in Brian’s deep voice. “Anyway, when he sloshed in at nearly midnight, he brought with him some measly ass Christmas tree. It was probably no more than 5 feet, but to Claire and me it was the greatest thing in the world. Pathetic, I know,” the pitiful chuckle was obvious. “But, uh, Joanie decorated it with some crappy old ornaments left over from her mother or something. Claire and me just ate it up for those old women. Pretending we were this caring, loving family. And you know, one of those old ladies said something I’ll never forget.” Brian took on his fake falsetto voice, “‘And where’s the Angel? Every family puts an angel on top of the tree to watch over them.’ And as pathetic as it sounds, that’s probably when it hit me the hardest. We weren’t a family. We had no angel.”

There was an unspoken rule that when Brian opened up to Justin, alone at night, in the dark, that no other words were to be spoken. He didn’t do it for the pity or comfort that he knew Justin would offer. He simply wanted to finally be able to move on. He finally wanted to love. 

It was precisely that conversation that drove Justin to find the perfect gift. The most gorgeous angel that would fit on top of the tree. The tree he had ordered that was going to be delivered on Christmas Eve. He had already gotten his mother to lend him some of her old ornaments, as well as the ones he had decorated as a child in school. He hoped the angel would show Brian how much love and affection he felt towards the other man. He hoped it would show Brian that he had a family now...he had Justin and they had each other. That was all they needed. 

He had just finished at the department store, satisfied with his purchase, when he began the walk back to the previously decided meeting place with Brian. He couldn’t wait to get back to the loft and finish what they started in the car. He then recognized the one voice he had hoped never to hear again.

“Look who it is…the little fag,” the hatred spewed from Chris Hobbes voice was clearly evident. 

Justin quickly spun around. His fingers gripped his bag close to his chest while his eyes took in the menacing figure in front of him. “Wh...wha...what are you doing here?” he finally sputtered out. 

Hobbes’ smirk only seemed to emphasize his innate evilness, “Look at the little fairy. What is that? A present for your queer boyfriend?” 

Justin’s pale face seemed to take on an even whiter shade as Hobbes and two of his buddies cornered Justin in an alley-type driveway between the stores. “Look, just...please...let me go...okay? I won’t tell anybody anything.”

Hobbes let out what could only be described as a cackle as he continued to taunt the art student, “No, no, I don’t think so. I think the little queer needs to be taught a lesson. Especially after what happened last time. Come on, they practically rewarded me for taking a bat to your head! Obviously, no one’s gonna care what happens to a prissy little fairy.”

And with those last words, Hobbes and his two friends began viciously beating Justin. He attempted to shield his face with his arms, but somehow hands and feet were everywhere all at once. His face, his chest, his stomach, pelvis and legs. There were boots and punches and slaps. He had attempted to call out for help, but Hobbes immediately took that option away as he backhanded him across the face. Justin could feel blood run down from his head and into his mouth. The taste was coppery and entirely unpleasant. He thought maybe he had heard a crack…perhaps a rib…perhaps more. He tried to fight back, but he was completely defenseless against three boys who had obviously spent more time in the gym than anywhere else. Justin welcomed the encroaching blackness as the torment upon his body finally came to an end. He thought maybe he had heard voices, but he was simply too tired to care.

~*~

Brian was getting frustrated. Where was the kid? He checked his watch once again and sighed deeply. They were supposed to go to the Munchers tonight to visit with Gus for Hanukkah (as per demand of Mel and request by Linds). And in order to have the hottest sex of the day and still be fashionably late, they needed to get a move on. It was bordering on 25 minutes, and the little brat was never this late without a phone call. Just as Brian was about to get out of the jeep in search of his hot young lover, a speeding ambulance pulled up in front of the little alleyway. The alleyway that Justin was supposed to come from. Fear and panic gripped his heart, at war with one another to become the prevailing emotion. Both failed as complete and utter terror wholly engulfed him. With strength and speed even he didn’t know he had, Brian ripped out of the jeep and ran into the alleyway right behind the two EMT workers. 

Time stood still as he glanced at those beautiful blonde locks now covered in crimson blood. ‘Oh God. Not again…not again...not again’ It was like a mantra that kept repeating itself within Brian’s head. ‘But this time it’s over. He’s dead.’ The perilous thoughts were so close to the surface that Brian could easily feel tears well in his hazel eyes. 

The bustle of the paramedics still working on his prone lover forced Brian to rouse himself from such melancholy notions. Slowly taking steps towards the two men taking Justin’s blood pressure and vitals, Brian saw a movement of Justin’s left leg. It wasn’t much…slight as it was, but it was all the proof Brian needed at that moment. He practically lunged forward and found himself on his knees at Justin’s side. How he ached to take the fragile body in his arms and take away all his hurt. The paramedics worked around the brunette as he slowly reached out for Justin’s hand. 

Holding the blood-covered hand between his own, Brian heeded no attention to the stains on his Armani sweater. Fuck Armani…this was Justin. All that mattered was that Justin needed him. 

“You know the kid?” one of the paramedics questioned Brian.

Barely sparing the technician a glance, “Yeah...yeah I do.”

“We’re gonna get him on a gurney then load him into the ambulance. Only family allowed,” the words were gentle and slightly compassionate. It was obvious the paramedic recognized some sort of relationship between the two men.

“We’re…He’s…I’m….” Brian stuttered along, unsure of what to say. “We’re partners.” The declaration came out firm and strong. Brian had no idea why he said such a thing, but he knew he couldn’t deny the feeling of comfort it evoked. 

“Bri?” A hesitant and throaty voice croaked out.

“Justin?” Brian whispered as he leaned down into his lover, his partner. “Hey…how ya doin?”

“Hu-rts,” the word came out as if two syllables.

“It’s going to be okay. They’re going to take you to the hospital now,” Brian squeezed Justin’s hand in comfort. 

It was obvious the thought was distressing to the young man. The paramedic who was currently taking Justin’s pulse immediately noticed the spike. 

“Calm down, Sunshine, it’s going to be okay,” Brian whispered soothingly as he rubbed his thumb over the younger man’s hand. 

“Don’t...leave...me. Prom-ise?” Justin implored bordering on pathetic. It was obvious how painful each word was as his breath hitched to complete the sentence. 

“I’m right here…I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to leave you.” Brian hoped he told the younger man in a soothing and confident voice.

Justin turned his piercing blue eyes to those hazel ones that held him captivated like no other. “Pro-mise?” Justin croaked out once more. 

Somehow Brian understood the importance of that moment. “I promise,” he replied with all the love and care in the world.

With his promise sealed, Justin closed his eyes once more to escape the pain. The paramedics taped him down to the gurney and loaded him into the ambulance. Brian was right behind only letting go of Justin’s hand long enough for the technicians to get situated within the tiny room. 

He paid no attention to the shopping bag that had been ripped from Justin’s grip during his attack. So focused on his lover’s condition, he didn’t notice as the paramedic collected the gift and brought it to the hospital to be kept with Justin’s other belongings. 

December 23, 2001 11:29 pm

Brian could barely believe that it had been barely 24 hours earlier. Merely a day ago and they had been happy. Well, as happy as the two could get. Fucking their brains out every chance they got. But it was more than that. They were just together. At the loft. At the diner. At Babylon. It didn’t matter. It was the two of them and for once in his life, Brian didn’t mind. The realization had come as more than a bit of a shock when he realized that maybe Justin was the one trick who could no longer claim such a status. The only one that had stayed. At first the idea had nauseated Brian. More like scared the shit out of him. Life had taught him early on that love was scarce and you had no one to trust but yourself…no one to love but yourself. The nameless tricks served such a purpose. They were a quick and easy way for Brian to pretend that someone loved him…if even for a few hours...or minutes in some cases. He was able to get himself satisfied and pretend he was loved without ever having to open himself up. Without ever having to trust anyone. Somehow, Justin broke through those walls. He’d never be able to figure out how the little twat did that. And now he had to prove that same devotion to Justin. But was he capable of such a thing? Could he stand by Justin and no one else? Could he love openly? 

Standing up, Brian leaned over Justin’s prone form. “Good night,” he whispered while brushing some blonde locks from his forehead and placing a gentle kiss there. With those words, Brian turned and walked out of the hospital room. 

December 24, 2001 4:17 am

He felt as if a bookcase had landed on his chest. His head was throbbing and his mouth felt as if it were full of cotton. His arms were incapable of movement like they were filled with lead. He hurt…everywhere. Even opening his eyes seemed like a challenge. One he wasn’t sure he was up to. The consistent beeping and sterile feel of the sheets below him (couldn’t be the loft…they weren’t 500-thread count. And Brian only did 500-thread count) clued him in that he was in a hospital. Momentarily flashback caused a surge of panic where he imagined that the last seven months had been nothing but a dream. 

His increased heart rate must’ve been monitored at the nurses’ station, because a perky young woman dressed in nurse attire immediately came into his room. Justin calmed down slightly as he realized he wasn’t in ICU and thus not being treated for the bashing. But what had happened to him? And where was Brian?

“Well hello there sweetie. How are you feeling this morning?” The nurse asked in her endearing accent. 

As the nurse began her routine tasks on her patient, Justin answered, “Okay. A little fuzzy. My throat hurts. And my head. And…well I just hurt all over. And I don’t know why I’m here.”

The nurse could tell that Justin was quickly becoming agitated and that would simply not do with his condition. “Shh. Calm down, it’s all right. You’re okay.” She quickly moved to the adjacent bedside table and picked up a glass with water and a straw in it. She guided the straw to Justin’s parched lips as she continued, “You were involved in a beating, but you’re going to be just fine.”

“A beating?” Justin echoed the words back. Slowly the memories began to trickle back. Christmas shopping with Brian. The angel. Chris Hobbes. Oh God. Not again.

The effects of remembering the incident were obvious on the young blonde. His face paled considerably and he seemed to become unaware of his surroundings. Recognizing the signs, Zo’e quickly called to her patient and attempted to reassure him. Although she succeeded in her attempts, the haunted and sad eyes that turned towards her were devastating. 

“Where’s Brian? He was supposed to pick me up.” 

“Brian? That’s the brunette right?”

“Yeah. Where is he? He’s not here is he?” The revelation was shocking to Justin. He thought that after all they had been through, that maybe this time Brian would’ve stayed.

“Oh, honey. He isn’t here. I’m sorry,” Zo’e tried to cushion the words for she feared the emotions they would evoke.

“It’s okay,” Justin sighed dejectedly. Although he expected it, it still hurt like a mother fucking bitch. “I should’ve known better.”

“Known better?” Although the nurse knew she shouldn’t be getting involved in her patient’s private lives, something about these two men called out to her. They were so beautiful together. The epitome of love; a fact she envied with every bone in her body. Besides, she had already inundated herself in the situation when Justin was in the hospital for the bashing. Brian’s haunting eyes as he stared at Justin each night had taken her captive. The way they pleaded with his young lover to wake up while simultaneously begging the nurses to allow him the quiet moments, even though they were not allowed. Zo’e always looked the other way when she was on duty those nights. Somehow she knew that Brian needed to be there as much as Justin needed him there. 

“Yeah,” Justin sighed grateful to be able to talk to somebody. He always hated being alone, especially when sick or hurting. “Brian isn’t exactly the type of guy to stick around when things get too much.” The melancholy depression was obvious and pained the nurse so.

“Oh, honey,” she sympathized, “No, no, no. He was here. He was always here for you.” She looked directly into his eyes hoping he would understand. 

“What do you mean?” the words were forced out. Justin seemed to sense that the nurse was trying to tell him something, but in his condition, his mind just couldn’t seem to catch up.

“The bashing, sweetie. He was here. Every night. Standing outside your room…just…” she paused, allowing the importance of the moment to hit Justin, “just…watching you.” She ended in a sigh. 

“He…he never told me,” he whispered a bit in awe. 

“I figured as much,” Zo’e replied pushing hair away from Justin’s eyes. “He loves you so much. Don’t you ever forget that, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin had no other choice but to agree. “But where is he now? I remember being found. I remember the ambulance showing up. And Brian was there. I asked him not to leave me and he promised. He promised!! Where is he?” his tone was slightly hysterical by the end of his speech.

The nurse was at a loss for words. “I don’t know honey. He was here earlier. In fact, he’s been at your side ever since you were brought in. Nothing any of us did could move him. I don’t know where he went.” She hated the effect her words had upon her young patient. He was obvious crestfallen. “You need to just relax now sweetie. The doctor will be in soon and let you know what’s going on. Maybe you’ll be able to go home for Christmas after all. We certainly weren’t expecting you to wake up so quickly.”

December 24, 2001 3:48 pm

The day had passed along relatively uneventful. His doctor and nurses had kept up a steady rotation always checking him. Of course his mother had paid him a visit. Followed by all members of his extended Liberty family. Everyone had wished him well and begged off when the questioning turned towards Brian. Even Mikey had remained tight-lipped on his best friend’s whereabouts. Finally their sympathetic looks had driven Justin to kick them all out. His mother was due again at any minute; as was the doctor. He was due to be released soon. It was a double-edged sword in many respects. Yes, he was happy he’d be able to go home for Christmas. But his idea of home was the loft. It was Brian. 

December 24, 2001 5:39 pm

Of course it had taken the doctor forever to finally make his rounds and give Justin the okay to go home. He was currently sitting in the passenger seat of his mother’s car thinking morose thoughts. Not only was he not going to be spending Christmas with Brian, but he hadn’t even been at the hospital. For a few hours, the nurse’s words had encouraged him. Maybe Brian was going to come back, but he never showed. Those thoughts coupled with the knowledge that Brian had been there after the bashing tore deep in his heart. He began to doubt the truth. But the nurse had sworn he had come every single night. That he hadn’t given up on Justin. It proved Brian’s love. But why didn’t he tell Justin? Didn’t he deserve to know? ‘Stupid self-righteous selfless bastard!’

Observing the sadness of her son Jennifer tried to reach out, “Hey, honey, it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Although the words were sincere, Justin couldn’t bring himself to believe them. Yes, he was happy he was okay. Yes, he was glad he was out of the hospital. But things weren’t going to be okay. Not as long as him and Brian continued to lose ground every time Brian couldn’t deal with some preconceived notion of love.

“Okay, sweetie. We’re here.” 

Justin roused himself from leaning against the car’s window. His depressive mood had not lifted. If anything he had more concerns and worries than ever. “Okay, mom,” Justin answered monotone. As he began to unbuckle his seatbelt and such, he finally took notice of his surroundings. He wasn’t at his mother’s condo. They were on Tremont. And he was staring right up at the loft building. Brian’s building. 

“Mom?” Justin turned questioning eyes towards his mother.

She smiled a true smile. The kind mothers reserved when they’re extremely proud and happy for their children. “Yes.” The reply was warm and confident.

“But…I don’t understand,” his puzzlement was obvious in his voice.

“Sure you do. I said I was going to take you home. So that’s where we are. Your home,” Jennifer added emphasis on the last word. She wanted Justin to know she not only acknowledged his sexuality and choices, but accepted them as well. 

Justin remained speechless. A feat very few could ever claim. Jennifer chuckled at the absent-minded expression from her son. “Oh, honey. I love you so very much. Brian loves you too. And it’s Christmas. You should be home.” She reached in the back seat and produced a bag. Justin’s bag. The bag with Brian’s gift. The blank look on Justin’s face allowed Jennifer to continue, “The paramedics brought it to the hospital and had the nurses place it with your other belongings. Somehow they knew it was important. Brian hasn’t seen it.”

Justin had filled his mother in briefly on Brian’s childhood. The bare minimums with very little detail; enough for his mother to hopefully understand Brian a bit better. He had told her the angel story. She understood. “Go on. Show him what family really is,” she gently encouraged her son. 

Still a bit dumbfounded, Justin got out of the car. Walking around to the driver’s side, he wrapped his jacket tightly around himself to fight off the cold. He looked deep into his mother’s eyes. “Thank You. Thank you so much. I love you mom.” If his voice broke on the last word, neither mother nor son paid it very much attention. He leaned in as much as he could as his mother did the same and the two met for a very special embrace.

“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered into the blonde locks. Her baby boy. So grown up.

The two released and Justin walked back to the sidewalk and waved as his mother drove off. ‘Now to confront the Grinch.’ With his bag held securely in his hand, Justin began his trek to his lover’s door. 

Allowing hurt, anger, and disappointment to course through his veins and provide him with the courage needed to face Brian, Justin banged on the loft door. Nothing could prepare him for the site that greeted him.

Brian pulled back the door and took in Justin. His arm was in a sling. There was an obvious bandage around his chest that indicated the broken ribs. The worst part to take in, however, was the bruises that scraped along his lover’s face. The black eye that was beginning to shine to its fullest. Yet, the angelic face still shone through and Brian could never remember seeing anyone more beautiful. 

“Hi,” he whispered out.

Justin was completely taken aback. Not only did Brian open the door on the first try, but he didn’t appear to be trying to get rid of Justin. The exact opposite in fact. It was as if Brian was trying to devour him with those hazel eyes. ‘Not a bad way to go’ he thought to himself.

Brian stepped to the side allowing Justin to enter. His eyes took it all in. The loft was completely decorated. The tree he had ordered was not only set up, but it was decorated. And with Justin’s ornaments!! There was garland placed around the counter and white lights and candles placed sporadically across the wide-open area. The large inviting blanket in front of the tree beckoned for Justin to move forward. Yet, he remained still. There were still things that needed to be settled.

“I can’t believe this!” his shocked gasp gave Brian a pleasant tingling throughout his body.

“Just thought you should have a Christmas to come home to,” the feelings underlying Brian’s tender voice warmed Justin.

“But…I mean…geez, Brian you don’t like Christmas very much and you didn’t even come to the hospital today. How did you know I was even getting out? And that my mother was going to bring me here? And why weren’t you there? And why did the night nurse have to tell me you were there after the bashing? Brian! Why? What’s going on??” Justin’s speech eventually took on a hysterical fashion as tears began to well within his baby blues.

“Shh. Just calm down first,” Brian soothed the young man while catching the stray tears. “I wanna do something first.” And with those words, Brian engulfed Justin in as tight an embrace as possible. He was always mindful of Justin’s injuries. Cupping Justin’s head in the palm of his hand, he took the opportunity to whisper into the young man’s ear, “I love you, okay? I love you so goddamn much.” At this point, Justin wasn’t the only one with tears in his eyes. 

Sniffling, Justin remained locked within the embrace. It was too soon to face each other. Brian needed it to be done like this. “I love you too.” He pulled his lips within his mouth as he closed his eyes tightly and simply enjoyed the moment. 

Bowing his head, Brian pulled out of the hold. Not wanting to let go of his lover, however, he brought his hand from the back of Justin’s head and lightly placed it on his cheek. Justin leaned into his lover’s hold and sighed in contentment. Slowly rubbing his thumb across Justin’s cheekbone, he began the whispered words of a speech Justin had deserved to hear months ago. “I was just so scared. You have no idea what you’ve done to me,” Brian couldn’t help but crack a small smile, “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love,” he briefly closed his eyes, “You weren’t supposed to make me care,” he couldn’t control his voice as it broke on the last word. The tears were coming a bit more unabashedly now. His breath was stilted as he forced himself to continue on. “After the prom and everything…” he had to pause here to pull himself together, “well, after you were in ICU, I just had to see you. Had to see for myself that you were okay. But I just felt so goddamn guilty, Justin. You have no idea. So, I couldn’t let you know I was there. So I came at night. Just to watch over you while you slept. I don’t know why, but I felt somehow I could protect you then. When you were at your most vulnerable. When no one else would be there to do it for me.”

Justin had longed for months to hear those words. To know how much Brian cared about him. To hear Brian being able to verbalize his feelings. But one thing still bothered him. Had Brian broken a promise? “Where were you today? You promised me you wouldn’t leave.” 

Noticing the sadness encroaching in his lover’s eyes, Brian quickly set out to squelch any upsetting thoughts. “I was there. I wouldn’t leave you. I promised. Not the nurses or Mikey or Linds or Jen or hell, even Deb could get me to move. But then, that night nurse told me you were making really good progress but that you probably wouldn’t wake up until Christmas Eve.   
And in a not so nice way this Aussie chick let me know I needed to get out of there and at least bathe. So I did.” Both Brian and Justin chuckled at the thought of anyone besides Deb putting Brian in his place, “And then she called this morning to let me know you were awake.” A deep sigh. Pulling out the big guns here. “So, I talked to Jen and told her what I wanted to do.”

Justin couldn’t believe the utter romance that this man was capable of. There were numerous levels to Brian Kinney and Justin was itching to discover each and every one. 

Brian took hold of Justin’s hand and led him to the blanket and pillows that were resting on the floor. As they got closer, Justin took note of the food laid out beside the arrangement. ‘The perfect cuddling spot.’ He couldn’t help but smile to himself. Justin placed his bag next to a brightly wrapped gift and allowed Brian to pull him down. He settled in against the broad chest and fell in love all over again as strong arms enveloped him causing an immense feeling of love and safety to engulf him. 

The two men simply sat and enjoyed the quiet Christmas Eve. The twinkling lights on the tree and the waning of the candles cast a comforting glow throughout the loft. The atmosphere was one of extreme comfort and utter love. No words were needed. Simply soft caresses of gentle hands. Brian had buried himself into those luscious locks and inhaled the incredible scent that was ‘Justin.’ Whispering into a nearby ear, “I wanna give you something.”

Averting his eyes to the gifts placed nearby, Justin realized he needed to go first. “Okay. But me first. Beauty before age.”

“Ha ha.”

Justin let loose a Sunshine smile and reached for his bag. “Sorry it isn’t wrapped or anything. I really wanted to make it look good, but I’m just glad it wasn’t broken.” He then situated himself to sit slightly in front of Brian, but never losing contact. Somehow maintaining even the slightest hold on his lover calmed him.

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes before focusing his attention on the gift in front of him. Being extremely careful, he peeled back the plastic bag and tissue wrapping and took the offering out. The stunned gasp that came from Brian’s mouth was coupled with tears forming within his hazel eyes. “Oh God,” he whispered out. Brian continued to stare at the gorgeous angel tree topper as tears silently fell from his eyes. Brian was sure the immense feelings of happiness and love he was feeling were for the first time. He had a family. Justin. “Oh, Jus…” Brian leaned forward and captured Justin in a watery embrace. He held on tight and took all the comfort his young lover had to offer. 

“It’s okay, Bri. I mean it, you know? We’re family now. You and me, in this for the long haul. And that’s the way I want it.” Justin too was beginning to get choked up by the emotion present and cried alongside Brian. 

“I love you so fucking much,” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear as he pulled back enough to stare into the bewitching crystal blue eyes. He leaned in and placed a loving and gentle kiss on Justin’s lips. It was a kiss full of love, thankfulness, and complete awe. There would be time for hot passion later, but now it was just about the two of them. Celebrating their first Christmas together as a family. Brian’s first Christmas with a family. 

Finally pulling back, but still maintaining a hold on Justin, Brian allowed the emotions of the moment to settle down. “My present is shitty compared to this,” he tried to laugh it off, but he suddenly felt inadequate.

“I’m sure whatever you did is perfect,” Justin replied with enough conviction that even Brian was swayed. “Let me see it.” Justin let out with all the excitement of a little girl getting a Barbie Dream House. 

Placing the cumbersome package in Justin’s lap, Brian took the moment to simply gaze at his gorgeous lover. ‘No one can compare to him. No one’ Brian thought and for the first time in a long while, Brian realized he was utterly content. 

Justin tore into the package and couldn’t believe his eyes. Lying in his lap was a mish-mash and collage of various pictures and drawings. Pictures of the two of them together. Laughing. Smiling. Loving. There were snapshots of the two hugging, dancing, and even locked in a passionate embrace. But what held Justin most transfixed was the drawn portrait that rested in the center of the framed gift. It was the two of them. Under the streetlight. Written directly under the drawn portion were six perfect words, “The night I found my heart.” 

“Oh Brian,” Justin gushed out. The tears had not let up yet and gave no sign of doing so soon. “It’s perfect. I love it. Who drew it?” he pointed to the elegant drawing.

Looking into Justin’s eyes, Brian replied, “me.”

“You? Really?” the shock was clearly evident in his voice. “I had no idea,” he scrunched his eyebrows in a cute little manner that Brian couldn’t resist a genuine smile. 

Almost embarrassed by Justin finding out such a fact he tried to blow if off, “yeah, well…it’s come in handy a few times.” 

Justin couldn’t believe his lover had such talent. Then again, he knew Brian was full of surprises. “I really love it.”

“I’m glad.”

Placing their gifts aside, the two met in the middle of the large blanket to seal their Christmas Eve with a gentle yet passionate kiss that revealed all the love the two men shared.

December 25, 2001 12:04 am

Christmas Day found one beautiful hand crafted angel looking down upon two men curled up around each other, unwilling even in sleep to let go.

Epilogue  
December 25, 2002 10:52 pm

It had been a long Christmas Day. It started off with breakfast at the Munchers and enjoying a highly energetic toddler who couldn’t get enough playtime with his Daddies. It then continued on with a trip to Deb’s where Brian continued to complain that his arteries were being clogged. Nevertheless, one stern look from Deb shut him up. Both her and Justin saw his attempt for what it was—an excuse to chow down once a year on fatty food. 

Taking a long drag from the stash they were sharing, Justin passed the lit grass to his partner. Partner. The word still thrilled Justin to his core. It was going to be official. That was his Christmas gift from Brian this year. They were going to have official, notarized paperwork drawn up which would proclaim their domestic partnership arrangement. It wasn’t marriage, but it was as close as they were going to get for a while. And he was thrilled.

It had been a hard year for the two. Proving their commitment to not only their friends, but to themselves was nothing short of trying. The endless jokes and wisecracks from the gang about their new status proved especially hard for Brian to deal with. His normal pain management of tricks and drugs were no longer acceptable—for neither Justin nor Brian. Both wanted to enjoy whatever time they had together fairly sober and lucid. They had realized life is just too short to waste it on insecurities and fears. So Brian tried his damnedest to be monogamous and remain faithful to Justin. While he faltered once or twice throughout the year, Justin understood how difficult a task it was for Brian. And he wasn’t the only one to stray. Somehow they had managed to work through all the bullshit and they were once again celebrating a holiday season together. The second of a lifetime as Justin often proclaimed. 

They were currently sprawled out on the bed under the blue lights. They were calming down after an explosive high with a shared smoke. The luminous lights radiating off the Christmas tree spread a warm glow throughout the entire loft.

After taking the last hit, Justin placed the burnt out smoke on the table and turned towards Brian’s warm body. He was welcomed whole-heartedly into the arms he loved desperately. 

“Mmm…it was a good Christmas.”

“Yeah, it was. Especially Gus.” Brian concurred with Justin.

“He’s hitting just the right age to really enjoy Christmas,” Justin let out a smile at the thought of the rambunctious toddler enjoying all his toys. 

“I’m hitting just the right age to enjoy Christmas myself,” Brian murmured as he slid down to place kisses along Justin’s delectable chest. 

A little chuckle escaped from Justin before he began to really enjoy Brian’s ministrations. He began to let out tiny moans as Brian allowed his tongue to circle gently around Justin’s navel before plunging in and out of the orifice more fiercely. 

Placing love bites along the lower half of Justin’s abdomen Brian slowly made his way down towards his ever more hardening erection. Choosing to tease Justin a little further, Brian slowly licked his way up and down his partner’s penis. Enjoying Justin’s moans of pleasure and the way his penis hardened more rapidly in his month, Brian continued his slow motions. 

“Briiiian,” Justin couldn’t help but moan out. He was tightening his hands within the blue satin sheets and wanted nothing more than completion.

Enjoying his lover’s frustrated state, Brian licked once more along the vein underneath Justin’s cock. He couldn’t resist the small chuckle and enjoyed the situation even further when the vibrations caused a shiver to run through Justin’s body. 

Finally taking pity on his young lover, Brian engulfed the head of Justin’s cock within his warm and moist mouth. Sucking while allowing just the right amount of teeth to scrape along the sensitive skin on Justin’s penis, Brian took the entire cock into his mouth. Justin couldn’t hold in the moans bordering on screams as Brian sucked with extreme vigor. Allowing his tongue to join in, Brian moved up and down the hard shaft. 

“Bri,” Justin gasped out, “Oh, Bri…God, I’m close…so close!” Justin couldn’t help but scream out as he finally reached his climax. 

Brian swallowed down all that his lover had to offer him enjoying every last drop. After Justin was completely spent, Brian slowly kissed his way back up Justin’s chest until finally sharing what his lover had to offer him in a fiery kiss. 

“Mmm...Yummy,” Brian whispered out.

Justin let loose a Sunshine smile along with an amused chuckle. “Like that did you?” he whispered out.

“Uh huh.” Brian continued his ministrations by leaning down and suckling on the feast that was Justin’s neck. 

“Oh, Bri,” Justin allowed his hands to run through the silky feel of Brian’s deep chestnut hair. He ran his hands across the broad back until eventually returning to Brian’s head to pull him up and into a deep kiss. 

“I want you to fuck me…now,” Justin huskily whispered out. 

Brian let out what could be considered a rare true smile and leaned down to connect his forehead with Justin’s. “Anytime.” He then placed a quick peck to Justin’s irresistible lips. 

Taking his time, Brian lowered himself down to the bed and spooned behind his young lover. Reaching for the ever-present lube and condoms in the nearby end table, Brian retrieved the items and slowly got his lover ready. He then sheathed his cock with the condom and leaned in towards Justin. He placed his lips a mere millimeter from Justin’s ear and whispered, “Ready?”

Maintaining the quiet that had enveloped this precious moment Justin turned slightly to look into Brian’s deep hazel eyes that held so much emotion and quietly said, “For you? Anytime.”

“Good.” Brian couldn’t help but chuckle at his lover’s antics in bed. Even in the most serious of moments, Justin could find a way to lighten Brian’s mood. 

Placing a kiss to Justin’s shoulder, Brian slowly entered Justin’s quivering hole. Taking his time, Brian slowly slid in and out. Breathing heavily and having sweat break out along their bodies, the two men continued their rhythm of thrusting in and out. Justin gave as good as he got and pleasured Brian which was obvious from the older man’s moans.

“God, Jus,” Brian couldn’t withhold his gasp of pleasure along with the moans that simply wouldn’t relent.

“Brian…I love you so much!!” Justin gasped out one last time before climaxing.

The clenching of Justin’s hole pushed Brian over the edge and he followed filling the condom to the max. 

“Oh, God…that was…amazing,” Brian leaned forward once again and placed a gentle kiss on Justin’s shoulder. To Justin, it was those small actions that screamed Brian’s love the loudest. 

Brian carefully pulled out of his lover and tied up the condom before throwing it aside. Justin was barely able to turn his exhausted body into his lover’s embrace. The two cuddled down and once again enjoyed the high of their post-coital cuddle. Completely exhausted from the extremely long day with their extended family and the passionate orgasm from their lovemaking, the two finally enjoyed some much needed down time. In many ways, Brian enjoyed the quiet moments with his lover the most. He would deny it to any one who asked, but he yearned for and greatly loved the quiet domesticity and normalcy of these moments. They made him feel the most loved.

Before finally allowing sleep to overcome their bodies the two whispered out some last words.

“Merry Christmas, Bri.”

“You too, Jus. Love you,” he quietly whispered.

Just as the previous year, the angel, which Justin had given to Brian, sat atop the tree and signified to all who saw it the love and precious family the two had created. 

The End.


End file.
